PORTLAND, OR – In a baffling display that can only be attributed to ignorance or plain old cruelty, local man Ryan Balmer spent last Saturday complaining about beer while several thousand children in the third world starved to death.
Seemingly unfazed by that fact that his beer cost several times more than what nearly half of humanity earns as a daily wage, Balmer raised his glass, squinted his nose, and made a disgusted face after taking his first sip. After several seconds of staring at a product that contains more clean water than is readily accessible to a large portion of human society, the self-described “beer enthusiast” peppered the tired, overworked bartender with oddly specific questions.
“The description says Galaxy hops, but they really tastes more like Citras, if we’re being honest,” Balmer quipped as he demanded a new drink, not in the least deterred that he was about to waste more calories than some people eat in a day. “It’s like, if you’re going to brew it with those hops, it better taste like those hops, right? Not like it’s hard.”
As he took a bite of the pizza he’d ordered as an afterthought accessory to his beverage (a meal someone might literally kill him for on the streets of Venezuela), Balmer compared the beer he was drinking to a dozen others, unaware that, in light of the reality that more boys were forced to become child soldiers that very afternoon, no one gave a shit. He then utilized more technology than is available to some small governments, smearing a greasy finger across his phone screen to check the beer in and give it 2 stars on Untappd.
After consuming enough beer to be labeled “a fire demon” by a tribal shaman, Balmer began ranting about the dangers of corporately made beer. “We can’t trust Anheuser-Busch, man. The consumer knows what’s up now. We need to boycott them and all the sellouts they bought,” he lamented, perfectly happy with the cognitive dissonance required to complain about a corporation whose profits exceed the GDP of some nations. “They want to destroy craft beer. It’s immoral and unethical and wrong. We can’t allow that bullshit,” Balmer continued, adding an apparent lack of understanding about economics and business succession to his already below average knowledge of the rest of the planet.
Sitting in a bar that not only had consistent electricity, but also significantly more structural integrity than many people’s homes, Balmer expanded upon the problems in the beer community. “There’s no bubble, man; craft beer is a cultural revolution,” he noted, oblivious to the actual, horribly violent political and social revolutions happening in several war-torn countries. “The world is changing, and beer is the catalyst. I tell you man, it’s happening right here and right now.” Balmer then burped and slammed his fist against his chest in a vain attempt to remedy his heartburn, a feeling and concept entirely foreign to the millions of people who often don’t get the required macronutrients to grow healthy bones.
As he waited for his Uber driver, a visibly intoxicated Balmer began to explain the brewing process to the clearly disaffected hostess, either completely culturally blind to, or just unwilling to admit the fact that the barley used to make his booze could feed entire towns in Africa and South America for months.
Sources confirm that upon arriving home, Balmer sat down in front of his TV, quickly changing the channel from a Christian Children’s Fund commercial before opening another beer.
Tagged: beer, beer drinkers, craft beer, humor, I love the onion, satire, third world
Literature and Libation 
You can’t get poor enough to make poor people rich; you can’t get sick enough to make sick people well; you can’t get depressed enough to make depressed people happy.
You can’t write enough weird comments to make good comments appear.
Nor intelligent posts.
In all honesty, I have no idea what you’re trying to say.
Yeah, I get that. Just let it go, not a teachable moment.
Don’t fall off your horse. I heard it hurts from that height.
Sorry I don’t usually follow your blog and, although very nicely written (wonderfully in fact wish I could write so well) , I can’t say I agree with you. I have blogged about political issues but I have also blogged about ‘first world problems’ as some might say. However, perhaps I am a bit confused. (the guy you describe sounds like a tosser) Is there any background to this story I am missing? I mean we can’t always talk about the wars going on, actually if we did I feel people would all become as desensitized as the fool you describe. Nice blog by the way 🙂
Well, this is Onion-style satire, and Ryan Balmer doesn’t actually exist. He’s a composite of the sort of people who spend an inordinate amount of time complaining about beer. It’s a silly caricature of contemporary attitudes, and supposed to be ridiculously hyperbolic.
oh I fell silly now :O I guess I wasn’t aware of what your blog is about. Sorry! Okay yes totally agree then. :O
Haha please don’t feel silly. Satire gets people sometimes. I don’t normally write satire either, so it’s definitely not “usual” for the blog 🙂
feel silly now! (11pm where I am) :O
It is very nicely done! Keep it up looking forward to more 🙂
Venezuelea fue una vez un país orgulloso. Pero ahora somos el “Miller High Life” de los países. Este fue un gran artículo.
Great write up. I very enjoy the satire and miss good beer!
This is just a complete stupid article… Waste of a few mins. What was the point anyhow?
Are you aware that this is satire? If so, do you understand the point of satire?
Sometimes if you write SATIRE into a baseball bat with a wood burning tool and wack someone in the head with it….they still won’t get the message.
LOL bro. just LOL. i mean, shit. it’s tagged as humor, as satire. so….
This is hilarious! Nicely done Onion-style parody of beer nuts. Cheers!
From Wikipedia: “Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in society.”
First, I don’t see any humor, just hipster holier-than-thou Pontification attempting to ascribe one’s enjoyment of life to heartless selfishness and uncaring for fellow man.
Second, I see no exaggeration, nor diminution, the two most common satirical techniques.
The reality is that you are simply trying to show how much “better” you are then everyone else because you “care” about third-world problems more than the rest of us. While the more likely case is that you have not done a single thing about third-world problems, not even donated more than 1% of your income to solving them, and Mr. Balmer probably donated 5 times as much as he spent in bars that week to the Christian Children’s Fund!
Well the good news is you’ve found a way to be smugly superior to a stranger on the internet.